What If
by GrreaserrLuverr
Summary: Ponyboy's point of view on Johnny, Dally and his parent's death. songfic, i do not own What If


A/N: What If belongs to Kate Winslet! Enjoy!

**What If**

**Summary: This is in Pony's point of view on Johnny, Dally, and his parent's death. (I added his parents in)**

I awoke in my bed in a cold sticky sweat. Another nightmare. I turned, but Soda was still asleep. Good, I hated waking him. It was only a week ago on Johnny and Dally's death, but this nightmare had my parents in it too surprisingly.

_Here I stand alone  
with this weight upon my heart  
and it will not go away_

It took forever to get over my parent's death. Hell, I still haven't gotten over it. Now adding Johnny and Dally to the list made it all worse. When will my life be right?

_In my head I keep on looking back  
Right back to the start  
wondering what it was that made you change_

I tried forgetting all this pain that I was going through right now and replaced it with memories. Like summers with my parents. Night outs with Johnny. Drive-in nights with Dally.

_Well I tried  
but I had to draw the line  
and still this question keeps on spinning in my mind_

I kept trying to keep the good thoughts, but then deaths came in. The train running over my parents. The fire that had took my best friends life with it. The bullets that stopped Dally's life before our eyes. The ride to the hospital to identify my parents. The visit to the hospital with Two-Bit seeing Johnny in such pain. The running to the park to see Dally pull a bluff. All horrible.

_What if I had never let you go  
Would you be the man I used to know  
If I'd stayed  
If you'd tried  
If we could only turn back time  
But I guess we'll never know_

If my parents never left, things would be great. Hell, Johnny and I would never have run away. Darry would have never hit me. Darry would be at college. Soda wouldn't have dropped out. Everything would be so perfect it would be hard to believe.

_Many roads to take__some to joy  
Some to heart-ache_

Greasers had such tough breaks. I hated it. Who's going to leave next? Soda? If Soda does, Darry will throw me in a boy's home maybe, even if we are getting along better. And if Darry left, Soda and I would get in a boy's home no matter what.

_Anyone can lose their way  
and if I said that we could turn it back  
Right back to the start  
would you take the chance and make the change_

I made sure Soda was still asleep. I had shifted a bit in bed. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. The usual, tear filled eyes and white face. "Why does everyone have to leave?" I asked myself. I looked up at the ceiling. I would give _anything_ to bring them all back. Hell now that I thought about it, none of them had even had a peaceful death. Train wreck, burned, and shot. Just another way to say we have the tough breaks. 

_Do you think how it would have been sometimes  
Do you pray that I'd never left your side_

Did they even die happy? Is mom happy with her life? Did dad do enough in life? Did Johnny get enough love? Was Dally even ready? I would probably never get these answered, ever.

_What if I had never let you go  
Would you be the man I used to know  
If I'd stayed  
If you'd tried  
If we could only turn back time  
But I guess we'll never know_

Johnny, if he never left I'd still have my best buddy. All that's left is me, Darry, Soda, Steve and Two-Bit. Sure Darry and I talked things then yelled, Soda was like my best friend but in brother form, Two-Bit and I weren't too bad, and Steve wasn't too mean to me and didn't think I was a "kid." But Johnny…golly, he was the bestest friend you could ask for. Well, I guess for me, but he was a real great friend.  
And Dally. He was a great friend mostly to keep Socs away. He was so tough. I actually wanted to be as tough as him sometimes, but then remembered how much trouble he would get in. Still, a good friend to have.

_If only we could turn the hands of time  
if I could take you back would you still be mine_

I started wondering if I was being selfish. Wanting to bring my best friends and parents back to life. How can that be selfish? I wasn't sure, I just felt it.

_'Cause I tried  
but I had to draw the line  
and still this question keep on spinning in my mind_

I shut the light off and tiptoed into my bedroom and into bed. I looked out the window through the shades at the moon shining in. The moon was so bright. I couldn't help but smile. 

_What if I had never let you go  
Would you be the man I used to know  
What if I had never walked away  
'Cause I still love you more than I can say  
If I'd stayed  
If you'd tried  
If we could only turn back time  
But I guess we'll never know_

I started thinking about the good things about all of them dying, if there were any. I went through everyone. Darry, well I guess we wouldn't be as close as we are now. For Soda, well not much has changed. We're still best brothers; best friends and I love him. Two-Bit, hmm, we seem to hang out more. My brothers work a lot and Darry doesn't like me walking alone. See, I use my head now. Steve and I just don't bug each other, I'm not sure how that happened, if the deaths had anything to do with it, ah well. I'll never know.

_We'll never know_

I started to relax and fall asleep. I decided to stop thinking so much about everything. Nothing will change the way things are and I have to accept that. I'll probably never know how things will turn out, and it might be better that way.


End file.
